My Joke of the Day: 'Yo mama's so lame she tried out for LAB's Dance Team'

I can't even front though, I went to that meeting today to see what it'd be all about. Quickly realized I have NO time to be on another team. I'd seriously rather dribble a basketball than move my hips at home football game.

TODAY'S KIA'S BIRTHDAY !!

I tried to the whole 'through the years' thing, but all the older pictures are on my laptop. Anyway I love her with everything. She knows everything about me, yes more than anyone else. This weeekend should be goood :D I love you girl !




A lot of birthdays coming up this season and I can't wait.

Sickly like. Aching like.
Sinus Infection & a sprained wrist & elbow.

Hoping to God we don't get school Friday

NO SCHOOL FRIDAY, officially :D

September.

My People.

Grandpa Fred's

Expected.

"Loving life and life is living... very special."

Some things don't change, and other things won't change. I'm dealing with the 'other' things. Nothing is expected nor accepted anymore. I've now accepted that I need stay within boundaries and 'do me', ha whatever that means -_-

Didn't go to school today and I kinda wish I had. "Sucks being sick." I won't explain why that's in quotes but today was almost pointless. Got nothing done, like always. That's expected and accepted, I procrastinate endlessly. Anyway, my life was like put on hold for about a month 'cause I was almost doubting myself but everything was confirmed today. That whole statement should be in quotes... Moving on. I still can't speak clearly. Along with my slight speech impediment, my voice is gone as it has been for about 3 weeks now. So when I call Pizza Hut and talk to a 'foreign girl' she can't understand me. She was later dubbed retarded by me. Said 'huh' about 5 times to me. I mean she could have at least said 'excuse me, can you repeat that?' Smh... Anyway. I sound like a man. Although I can't speak I can still write. Not like write write. No Def Poetry stuff, just a story or two. That's another I can't stand. Those who have a pen and paper & have seen the poetry special at the last Talent Night, you are not going to start writing and become the 21st Century's Hemingway or Confucius. My point isn't really proven with all my run- on sentences but haikus and short stories will not take you too far, get a job. Not downing anyone that is pursuing this, but it's just like these new photographers... mm enough said.

It would be a good idea to not make decisions when infuriated. 'Cause, you know, that means thoughts aren't straight. But my mind is clear, too clear almost. I know what I need, and I know I'm not happy. Lead by example, actions speak louder than words.

Got a lot of time on my hands... no no no, slowly. Getting back to what I used to be, literally. My hair is going back to red, my thoughts are going back to being lonely, my time is back to being mine and I'm ready to break out, & fly... here come the analogies: I'm not ok with my wings yet. They were placed on my sandals, so when they flap I just flip over and over 'cause I have no balance. At my feet is the world, I'm barely floating above ground. Like still considered to be stuck in this little city 'cause I can't go anywhere far. But this is what I expected ha.

You wanna give me what I need, won't cha ?... Who knows the rest of this ? Mm figure it out.

"Happy ending within any ending story."

"SYMF"

There's more, so I'll be back.

Seemed appropriate -_-

Deleted.

I did it, I deleted my MYSPACE (:

Tie My Hands.

I don't want to do anything else. I am anticipating being overwhelmed by next week. I can feel it happening.

To Whom It May Concern:

This is for several different people. Find the one that pertains to you.

1. I don't want to be friends, I don't think we should ever talk anymore. I'm annoyed with your ignorance to the fact of my actually liking you. It's not that our phones are messing up or anything, I'm just not responding to you. Sure I'll sign on aim, it won't make a difference to you 'cause you're blocked. I try so hard not to be mean so I'll never actually say this to your face, I just need to get it off my chest.
2. I wish your life would end. I will not put anymore energy into this situation but I wish you didn't exsist. I only know of three people who would care if your life ended, two of them are your parents. I guess if you died people would care, you know a life is something precious. I just feel yours isn't, at the moment at least. I also wish you would keep my name out of your mouth, on some serious killer killer stuff. Actually, I don't wish you'd die. I want something really bad to happen to you. Nothing physical. I won't be the one to do it though; I don't have time, gots homework to do (:
3. I miss you guys. I wish it were still like 9th & 10th grade when having fun was like innocent and the only drama was the 'LAB drama'. Back when we talked about ourselves and didn't worry about anyone else.
4. I wish you weren't a whore because everyone knows it. I don't think I have to say anything more on that one ha.
5. Has anyone ever told you that you aren't cute ? I wish I could, but I feel bad.
6. I make this face every time someone says your name: -_-. Yea, four people today asked how you're doing. I couldn't honestly answer because I have no idea, although I honestly wish I did.
7. Why do you eat lunch with us ? We don't like you. Well at least I don't. Super high school drama but I don't care, I'm annoyed.
8. You are the most annoying person in my life, I swear. But you're one my closest, not going anywhere. I'm tired of you choosing 'your wife/ husband' (I don't know who the man is in your relationship) over pretty much everything else going for you. They don't care about anything but themselves.
9. How old are you now ? I really don't know but I do know that you're grown. Stop taking pictures in the bathroom with your bathing suit on. Stop taking pictures with your lips all puckered up and your camera in your right hand 4 ft away from your face. Get someone else to take a picture of you. I'm sure your grown ass has some friend that is aspiring to be a photographer and will take your flick.
10. This is to no one: Overall I'm actually really disappointed in things right now. I wish it was me who was happy again -_-

Half of these people will never see this, for half of these people wouldn't even know that I actually think about them.

"IF YOU WANT TO BE LESS MORAL, LESS COORDINATED AND LESS INTERESTING, DRINK ALCOHOL."- Mr. Weitzel

The weekend's over and I'm still sick. And annoyed, parched, drained, not entertained, and unenthused. I live with the biggest idiots. I don't get why I, me of all people, have been blessed with them -_-

My obsession with time has been proven. It was never stated but I've always know that I have some fetish with the time. All that to say, I no longer have any time for anything. My weeks are now almost planned out til like October. I've always wanted it to be this way, always being preoccupied. Now, I am. Very much needed in order to keep my mind off certain things. Everything seems to make me want to stop. Like, take a seat and wait 'til I catch my breath. I'm really on this 'been there, done that & no thanks' attitude. But no one seems to understand the 'no' part. Lol... ridiculous things come from nay sayers.

There were things I wanted to do when I had time. Go here & there. Now I have to think about my schedule before I do anything. My time isn't being taken up because of school oriented things(well not all of it...) but because of commitments I've made to others for myself. Won't go into those at the moment.

No complaints right now... Well there are a few. Oh man so I get my car tomorrow apparently. Key word: apparently. They have been telling me for two weeks now, almost three, that I'm getting a car and where I have been sitting this whole time ?... THE PASSANGER SEAT -_-. My hair's turning red again, so much for getting it done. I wish I was bold enough to cut my hair off, ya know a cute little short cut. But I'm not, so I won't.

I'll depart with this...

Sick&Tired

I have to much to do to be sick, but I am. Pretty bad like, throatache, I still can't speak normal & my eyes are puffy and keep watering. On top of all that, my body aches from volleyball. I overextended my shoulder so that pain just won't quit. I was actually looking forward to the weekend but I'm just too exhausted to anything. We'll see how this one goes.

Involuntary Releases Of Ignorance.

Four days down, 176 more. AP Statistics is the only class I get homework in. It feels good to have a math class again, I felt like I was slacking ha. I have no real elective, all real credit classes. ASB is now beginning & this year will be sick. Who's down for Popeye's at all our events ? I need it@ at least one event. Mm, this year should go by quick, and I'm really ok with that.

These are my people -_-

Leave Me Alone.

So normally when you see there might be something wrong with someone, you ask them what may be bothering them. If this person so chooses to answer you with the actual problem, that means they are seeking an ear to listen to them. If this person chooses to tell you 'nothing', even though somewhere deep in your gut you know something is wrong, you leave them alone. They obviously don't want to talk about it. Well at times I am easy to read. When I'm pissed off everyone knows. Today and yesterday were definitely long days. My days don't settle down 'til about 5:15, ish. By the time my day ends, I am at my wit's end. At this point my attitude is all over my face and in my body language. At this point I do no want to talk, about anything. This is also the point where my mother chooses to ask me what's wrong. 'Nothing' will probably always be my answer because I just don't want to talk about anything, especially not my feelings and stuff. I have no patience and I lose all type of control when I'm frustrated. When I decide to leave the room and go to bed, this does not mean I need Anger Management and/or see a psychiatrist. This means 'nothing' is wrong.

Today is Theo's (Malcom Jamal Warner) Birthday (:

I need all of these, every season on DVD. NEED.

Last First Day of School, tomorrow.

"Everyone is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody."

Speak Your Mind Friday.

I forgot all about this and I'm too excited to remember to speak my mind on Fridays. Anyway... so many things are being anticipated right now. Many things are being ironically questioned. Other things are making my life become an unconventional whirlwind.

I love it when we make mistakes, 'cause I love to complain.

There's definitely nothing to complain about if you're living. Never will I complain out loud, I will not nag. But I am constantly sulking and sitting still without trying to fix my mindset. I've become way too distractable to the point of me not even knowing what I was going to say next... Whatever, I question too much. Like I don't think it's any of my business to know why a certain word is spelled a certain way, but that's what I think about all the time. Or who gave someone the authority to make up an imaginary number to be used in Trigonometry w/ an i. I could have sworn letters were used for words and numbers were used in math. Or why the alphabet is the only way we can spell things If so many people had jurisdiction over how we now articulate, why did they feel twenty- six letters were enough to conjugate and express. These are things I think too much about and then I find myself complaining, internally.

The things I need to be worried about have been placed on the back burner. Like why my room has not been cleaned in over two weeks, and why I'm ok with it. The mess that's created is really not ok. The things I need to be worried about are more or less heightened by other people. I'm scared of what's going to happen next and most everything I'm stressing about will be resolved by next Friday. I'm hitting switches, like I'm fixed hydraulics....'cause I'll show you maagic.

Too tired of false advertisement. Why does DirecTV advertise their Customer Service as 'great' ? Nobody's Customer Service is great or nice or accurate. So why would the customer service from the cable guy be 'great' ? I'm tired of all these new photographers with brand new cameras. I'm definitely not hating because actually I know the people who apparently love photography and art; I have respect for that. But these people who swear they are shooting for Oscar De La Renta somewhere in Madrid. No little mama, you're in The San Fernando Valley. You are false advertising. I'm tired of BET falsely explaining black people, people with African descent. Not all of us look like the people in the background of 106 & Park and not all of us have baby daddy's and names like Tiny. Most of us speak English and most of us have regular cars without Ice Cream Paint Jobs, yeah buddy !

I love how Jerimih in his song, 'I'm a Star', he talks about how he has beacoup things. It really made my day. The only reason I'm ending this post is 'cause I can't focus anymore.

One day at a time. The sun flies whether you see it or not it still shines. Day At A Time

How It Was, How It Is

I gotta find peace of mind/ I know another cord...I gotta find peace of mind/ See, this what that voice in your head says/ When you try to get peace of mind...I gotta find peace of mind, I gotta find peace of mind/ He says it's impossible, but I know it's possible/He says it's impossible, but I know it's possible/ He says there's no me without him, please help me forget about him/ He takes all my energy, trapped in my memory/ Constantly holding me, constantly holding me/ I need to tell you all, all the pain he's caused/I need to tell I'm, I'm undone because/ He says it's impossible, but I know it's possible/ He says it's impossible without him, but I know it's possible/ To finally be in love, and know the real meaning of/ A lasting relationship, not based on ownership/ I trust every part of you, 'cause all that I... All that you say you do/ You love me despite myself, sometimes I fight myself/ I just can't believe that you, would have anything to do/ With someone so insecure, someone so immature/ Oh you inspire me, to be the higher me/ You made my desire pure, you made my desire pure/ Just tell me what to say, I can't find the words to say/ Please don't be mad with me, I have no identity/ All that I've known is gone, all I was building on/ I don't wanna walk with you, how do I talk to you/ Touch my mouth with your hands, touch my mouth with your hands/ Oh I wanna understand, the meaning of your embrace/ I know now I have to face, the temptations of my past/ Please don't let me disgrace, where my devotion lays/ Now that I know the truth, now that it's no excuse/ Keeping me from your love, what was I thinking of?/ Holding me from your love, what was I thinking of?/ You are my peace of mind, that old me is left behind/ You are my peace of mind, that old me is left behind/ He says it's impossible, but I know it's possible/ He says it's improbable, but I know it's tangeable/ He says it's not grabbable, but I know it's haveable/ Cause anything's possible, oh anything is possible/ Please come free my mind, please come meet my mind/ Can you see my mind, oh/ Won't you come free my mind?/ Oh I know it's possible/ Anything, anything, anything, anything, anything/ Anything, anything, anything, anything/ Anything, anything, anything, anything, anything/ Oh free! Free, free, free your mind/ Free, free your mind... free, free your mind/ Free, free, free, free your mind/ Oh, it's so possible, oh it's so possible/ I'm telling you it's possible, I'm telling you it's possible/ Free, free... free, free... free, free... get free now/ Free, free... free, free, free, free... free, free/ You're my peace of mind, that old me is left behind/ You're my peace of mind, you're my peace of mind/ He's my peace of mind, he's my peace of mind/ He's my peace of mind, he's my peace of mind/ What a joy it is to be alive/ To get another chance/ Everyday's another chance/ To get it right this time/ Everyday's another chance.

-Lauryn Hill, I Gotta Find Peace of Mind

Literally how I've felt & what I've said for a long time.

I need a dozen Krispy Kreme's now. Glazed, no other colors. A la carte.

I need to go to the beach. Soon, before school starts. Weekend ?

I need a car. Pronto. Now that I've had one, it's completely necessary.

I need to see Jamie Foxx in concert. I don't think it's happening though.

I need a good mood. Like all day.

I need a good day, all day. No like, just foreal.

I need to start school. So I can have my comfort zone of a schedule.

I actually need these things. Not even a want.

School's coming back.

Took my breath away, kinda.

Cheating Myself.

Is it obvious what I'm going through right now, boredom. Watching a bunch of DefPoetry right now and it's funny, 'cause I wrote something to the extent of this a few months ago. 'Cept, you know from my point of view.

This post's title will be continued later...

Slow & Steady,

I've learned to live with that.

MY last weekend.

The rest of my school has one more week and 2 more weekends left in their summer vacation. Me and 7 other people, on ASB, are done with summer on Sunday @11:59. Mhm, that official. I don't even know if I'm looking forward to this coveted last weekend. I'm not even looking forward to today, not til 5o'clock. I haven't done too much of anything I wanted to do this summer, so I'm doubting any of it will happen in these two days. Especially because as of right now, I'm carless. NO CAR. Like I've been saying, this has been the worst summer I've ever experienced. At least there's only one more year of high school. I'm not even taking that lightly 'cause I know w/ my luck, it will be the longest year of my life. Hm, I'll take it. Senior photo today, I have brown hair again, praise the Lord, I dreamt I was on Cops robbing Liquor Stores w/ no repercussions because my dad was there helping me w/ a pistol.

Another. Lol/

My Car Got Towed,

& I stubbed my toe.

I dub this, the worst summer ever.

"It's been real. Peace, love & Harmony."

Talking about cousins & friends leaving for college...

Mommy: Next year it'll be Mariah moving out for college.
Leila: I get her room, right ?
Mommy: Ha ha ha, aren't you gna miss her ?
Leila: Well yea, but I want that room.

She's six -_-

PostSecret & BlogSecret.

I save one of these pictures every Sunday.

& I just laugh at these:

"7509.) I think I masturbate too much. It kind of scares me."

Rena Calhoun, since 4th grade.

This is NOT a joke

but everyone else seems to think so.

Certainty Is A Luxury.

My summer is officially over next week. I have one week left to do what I want, well kinda. I still have volleyball & I'm supposed to be starting a half-time thing at my mom's job. Mm more like 3/4ths time, only thing is I'm not getting paid under the table, I have to wait for a check. Anyway my summer was not supposed to be spent the way it has. It was supposed to be filled with the beach and 13 hour days. It definitely wasn't supposed to end this way. That's a whole different story, I'll get to that later.

These days have gone by so fast. I'm now running around doing things for my mom or working out or the most likely, at volleyball practice. Since I've had a car more stress has been put on me. Well not ALL the stress I've had has been caused by the car. I've been exhausted, like running on empty. Random: earlier I was watching something, wow can't even remember what it was, and I was holding back tears & still up to now, I don't know why. I need to see a doctor ? Or maybe I'll stay this way and wait it out. I find myself yelling at inanimate objects and wishing they'd talk back to tell what's the problem. Well I mean, I yell at people too. I really need a vacation from people. From school, people, my family, my friends. I'm taking every chance I get to get away. Going to Alabama in October to visit a university I will not be attending. Mhm, waste of a visit but it's almost free. We like free here.

I'm almost oblivious to the time that is just passing me by. A year ago is when I started actually using this blog and that was when my life was so much simpler. I wish I could just convert to hedonistic rituals and not care about anyone else. But I can't so I'm stuck. Happiness has not lived in me in a long time. Happy: characterized by or indicative of pleasure, contentment, or joy. I don't even think I've seemed happy. I'm normally good at seeming, but that's also something I need help with. Anger management might be in my future. I can't control my frustration in a healthy way. Ha, I'm not crazy but when something that you're used to leaves/ is taken/ refuses, things get pretty hectic.

My heart has been moving at 150mph. That's entirely too fast for my liking, but it's currently trying to catch up. I'm sure it's known that I was in a relationship, yes our perfect relationship has recently ended. Everyone has a time frame on us, "you'll be back together in ___ days/months..." but I really don't know what's going to happen. I've finally been able to speak on it and it hurts. There's one thing most don't know about a relationship: there are never bad times, only time we make longer. I'm only really speaking on the relationship between a man and a woman. It's just filled with constant contradiction. Yea, that's it... the only thing constant is contradiction. Contradicting your beliefs you contain before you embark on the relationship, contradicting your beliefs for the sake of your partner and contradicting your feelings. Just as communication is the most important element in a relationship, arguments can be the most destructive element. Love... a different thing all together. I'm happy to say I've experienced it. Not some "cute high school they fell in love" love. Well I did fall in love ha, but I learned to love and accept someone not in my family. I can also say I won't stop loving him and I'm ok with it. When I started falling in love I felt as though I would be happy forever. I could not imagine not loving, love seemed eternal. Nothing is eternal, no matter how many times I said it or as many times he said it. I can say that now... now that I am not with him. Ha and today was our year and a half. The falling in love part was not hard at all, it shouldn't be if you take things seriously. But now this feeling, him not being mine, is what's hard to grasp. Oh man, don't take this is as some simple plea for my boyfriend back. I'm living and that's what I thought I wasn't going to be able to do without him ha. I wish I weren't the girl in this, there'd be a lot less heartache. NOTICE: the reasons for the break up was not stated, it won't be.

Finally, I need to get back to what really matters. All the drama that I have brought upon myself was really not necessary, but I fought. I fought for what I know I want and to the very extent I need. There is no in between to what I feel. Everything sucks. Might as well find something to smile about...

"You don't need conseling, you all need to hold hands and jump."

My Sister's Keeper.

I cried the whole movie, literally. Probably the best movie I've seen all summer, well all year, mm in a long time. Made me think about a lot. It didn't make me look at things different or nothing, it just made realize I need to love more. Love everyone more. Everyone in my house especially & most of those who have entered my house. The only reason I cried is because I know exactly how I'd feel if any of my siblings had some deadly disease. Goodness, thinking about it now is tear jerking. Like if I need to cry on cue, that's what I'll now think about. I hate how I've acted and gone about things, like "heartless" & stuff ha. Life is too precious... Never mind let me stop.



Goodnight.

Comic

I can't feel anything. Anything.
I don’t know how it got this way. I can’t even remeber how it feels to walk on the other side of the road. I’m in over my head.





I need to gather my thoughts first. I'll be back with words, just words.

She tried again.

I started talking in spanish while we were on the phone, and she thought a Mexican hacked into her phone. I laughed way too hard.

Overjoyed- Stevie Wonder

The Light- Common

If Only You Knew- Patti LaBelle

Orange Moon- Erykah Badu

Wild Flower- New Birth

You- Earth Wind & Fire

If This World Were Mine- Luther Vandross

Lady in My Life- Michael Jackson

Stairway To Heaven- The O'Jays

Lover's Paradise- Earth Wind & Fire

Love's Train- Con Funk Shun

Gloria- Enchantment

...Til the Cops Come Knockin'- Maxwell

I play these with recognition. It hasn't hit me yet, and I really don't want it to.

If you said goodbye to me tonight/There would still be music left to write/What else could I do/Im so inspired by you/That hasnt happened for the longest time/ Once I thought my innocence was gone/ Now I know that happiness goes on/Thats where you found me/ When you put your arms around me/ havent been there for the longest time/Im that voice youre hearing in the hall/And the greatest miracle of all/ Is how I need you/ And how you needed me too/ That hasnt happened for the longest time- Billy Joel

This has got to be the worst summer of my life. 'Cept for that one summer when I sat at my aunt's house everyday all day but that was back in like 1999 and it didn't matter. From the drama to the choosing to the waiting, I hate this summer. I don't know if anyone else goes through the nonsense I do. I have spent almost 75% of this summer angry in my house. The rest of it has been great but it is still spent with the weight of the world on my shoulders. I'm sitting home right now, yet again & I hate it. I did not have four kids and I do not feel obligated to act as a mother/ father figure. I have a car right outside my door that I can't drive and Lord knows where I want to be right now. Goodness, nothing is fair anymore. "One more year, Mariah, one more" says my mother. I cannot wait til then.

Let's not underestimate the thoughts of a man. Not just any man but huMAN. The most irregular kind. It's probably the hardest to come out of every situation a human. We came into this world with the universal stereotype of being human and often come out with animal characteristics. Who came up with a DOG EAT DOG world ? There are no canine beings in everyday society, but people are only looking out for their interests. Looking out for their own interests and then are surprised that when its all done, their thoughts are underestimated. What's going through every man's head is to get ahead, one away or another without any regard to others. So with that understading, everyone can be figured out because they are human.

Leila Danielle.

I missed Disneyland with her yesterday, but today's her real birthday ! For only turning six she's getting the royal type treatment. Disneyland yesterday and now they're at Chuck E. Cheese. I kinda refused to take part in the second one. Anyway LEILA'S SIX !

I wonder who actually wants this or feels this.

A Miracle.

"Let me say something about that word: miracle. For too long it's been used to characterize things or events that, though pleasant, are entirely normal. Peeping chicks at Easter time, spring generally, a clear sunrise after an overcast week--a miracle, people say, as if they've been educated from greeting cards. I'm sorry, but nope. Such things are worth our notice every day of the week, but to call them miracles evaporates the strength of the word. Real miracles bother people, like strange sudden pains unknown in medical literature. It's true: They rebut every rule all we good citizens take comfort in. Lazurus obeying orders and climbing up out of the grave--now there's a miracle, and you can bet it upset a lot of who were standing around at the time. When a person dies, the earth is generally unwilling to cough him back up. A miracle contradicts the will of earth."

I'd like one now, 'cause someone has got to be kiddin' me.

Take A Step Back.

Choosing to take a step back 'cause others have been taken aback by my previous & recent actions ha. You know, 'cause what others care about really matters huh ? I guess so in this situation. I will not go into detail for it is no one else's business. But my FaceBook account is now deactivated, although I can reactivate it whenever I want. I don't need to talk to anyone on there right now & nor do I need it consuming my time as it has been. & MySpace, yea that'll be gone too. I really can't express how irritated I am & how I can't believe the interest there now is placed on me. I'm not tootin my horn, I don't want anyone questioning my business like that. I'm hardly interested, I'd like to know why someone else would be.

I'd like to know when my life got so complex, almost like the weight of EVERYTHING, mhm everything, is on my shoulders.

I just keep watching it over & over. Hearing the anguish in his voice is almost too much, but I love it.