I am currently in the midst of writing my affirmations, something my grandfather asked me to. "You need to know what you think about yourself." He wants me to write a list of 50 things starting w/ 'I am', each saying something positive about myself. 50 things that I guess affirm my state of being. I actually began w/ at least 15 things that were no where near positive, but things that I'm ok with. I am ok w/ being a procrastinator, and I am ok w/ never facing anything.
I never face the present, I just hope the future will come as quick as possible. Let me be psychic for 3 minutes, let me tell myself for 3 minutes that I still want the future. (NOTE: This is not some suicidal rendition). I've indulged myself in actually finding myself, making sense of why I accept everything. Earnestly did I beseech, but to no avail. Don't get me wrong, I'm not another girl searching for herself. I just don't understand myself really.
I want to grow up already. Not just grow up, but I want to grow up and be all I can already. I want to make shit be true. I want for 3 minutes to see what my life can be. Shit I want to go back in time and live. Live my life from day one, but without knowing everything I know now. I want to be blindsighted to ignorance that I've already encountered. Just to see if I'd actually do it all the same. That's kind of redundant though, if I'm blindsighted i probably would do everything the same. Hmm nevermind that thought. What I think I actually meant was, I want to live again. Go back to living and not thinking. I used to think about one thing once, and get over it. I have now spent much time on thinking and not actually doing.
Change is never good. When you swear up & down everything's perfect, change is not good. I've been here before, back when I didn't know right from wrong. Everything now is based on what i believe to be right and wrong. As its based w/ simplicity, I don't even follow it. There's definitely a problem when you don't follow what you believe.
