PostSecret & BlogSecret.

I save one of these pictures every Sunday.

& I just laugh at these:

"7509.) I think I masturbate too much. It kind of scares me."

Rena Calhoun, since 4th grade.

This is NOT a joke

but everyone else seems to think so.

Certainty Is A Luxury.

My summer is officially over next week. I have one week left to do what I want, well kinda. I still have volleyball & I'm supposed to be starting a half-time thing at my mom's job. Mm more like 3/4ths time, only thing is I'm not getting paid under the table, I have to wait for a check. Anyway my summer was not supposed to be spent the way it has. It was supposed to be filled with the beach and 13 hour days. It definitely wasn't supposed to end this way. That's a whole different story, I'll get to that later.

These days have gone by so fast. I'm now running around doing things for my mom or working out or the most likely, at volleyball practice. Since I've had a car more stress has been put on me. Well not ALL the stress I've had has been caused by the car. I've been exhausted, like running on empty. Random: earlier I was watching something, wow can't even remember what it was, and I was holding back tears & still up to now, I don't know why. I need to see a doctor ? Or maybe I'll stay this way and wait it out. I find myself yelling at inanimate objects and wishing they'd talk back to tell what's the problem. Well I mean, I yell at people too. I really need a vacation from people. From school, people, my family, my friends. I'm taking every chance I get to get away. Going to Alabama in October to visit a university I will not be attending. Mhm, waste of a visit but it's almost free. We like free here.

I'm almost oblivious to the time that is just passing me by. A year ago is when I started actually using this blog and that was when my life was so much simpler. I wish I could just convert to hedonistic rituals and not care about anyone else. But I can't so I'm stuck. Happiness has not lived in me in a long time. Happy: characterized by or indicative of pleasure, contentment, or joy. I don't even think I've seemed happy. I'm normally good at seeming, but that's also something I need help with. Anger management might be in my future. I can't control my frustration in a healthy way. Ha, I'm not crazy but when something that you're used to leaves/ is taken/ refuses, things get pretty hectic.

My heart has been moving at 150mph. That's entirely too fast for my liking, but it's currently trying to catch up. I'm sure it's known that I was in a relationship, yes our perfect relationship has recently ended. Everyone has a time frame on us, "you'll be back together in ___ days/months..." but I really don't know what's going to happen. I've finally been able to speak on it and it hurts. There's one thing most don't know about a relationship: there are never bad times, only time we make longer. I'm only really speaking on the relationship between a man and a woman. It's just filled with constant contradiction. Yea, that's it... the only thing constant is contradiction. Contradicting your beliefs you contain before you embark on the relationship, contradicting your beliefs for the sake of your partner and contradicting your feelings. Just as communication is the most important element in a relationship, arguments can be the most destructive element. Love... a different thing all together. I'm happy to say I've experienced it. Not some "cute high school they fell in love" love. Well I did fall in love ha, but I learned to love and accept someone not in my family. I can also say I won't stop loving him and I'm ok with it. When I started falling in love I felt as though I would be happy forever. I could not imagine not loving, love seemed eternal. Nothing is eternal, no matter how many times I said it or as many times he said it. I can say that now... now that I am not with him. Ha and today was our year and a half. The falling in love part was not hard at all, it shouldn't be if you take things seriously. But now this feeling, him not being mine, is what's hard to grasp. Oh man, don't take this is as some simple plea for my boyfriend back. I'm living and that's what I thought I wasn't going to be able to do without him ha. I wish I weren't the girl in this, there'd be a lot less heartache. NOTICE: the reasons for the break up was not stated, it won't be.

Finally, I need to get back to what really matters. All the drama that I have brought upon myself was really not necessary, but I fought. I fought for what I know I want and to the very extent I need. There is no in between to what I feel. Everything sucks. Might as well find something to smile about...

"You don't need conseling, you all need to hold hands and jump."

My Sister's Keeper.

I cried the whole movie, literally. Probably the best movie I've seen all summer, well all year, mm in a long time. Made me think about a lot. It didn't make me look at things different or nothing, it just made realize I need to love more. Love everyone more. Everyone in my house especially & most of those who have entered my house. The only reason I cried is because I know exactly how I'd feel if any of my siblings had some deadly disease. Goodness, thinking about it now is tear jerking. Like if I need to cry on cue, that's what I'll now think about. I hate how I've acted and gone about things, like "heartless" & stuff ha. Life is too precious... Never mind let me stop.



Goodnight.

Comic

I can't feel anything. Anything.
I don’t know how it got this way. I can’t even remeber how it feels to walk on the other side of the road. I’m in over my head.





I need to gather my thoughts first. I'll be back with words, just words.

She tried again.

I started talking in spanish while we were on the phone, and she thought a Mexican hacked into her phone. I laughed way too hard.

Overjoyed- Stevie Wonder

The Light- Common

If Only You Knew- Patti LaBelle

Orange Moon- Erykah Badu

Wild Flower- New Birth

You- Earth Wind & Fire

If This World Were Mine- Luther Vandross

Lady in My Life- Michael Jackson

Stairway To Heaven- The O'Jays

Lover's Paradise- Earth Wind & Fire

Love's Train- Con Funk Shun

Gloria- Enchantment

...Til the Cops Come Knockin'- Maxwell

I play these with recognition. It hasn't hit me yet, and I really don't want it to.

If you said goodbye to me tonight/There would still be music left to write/What else could I do/Im so inspired by you/That hasnt happened for the longest time/ Once I thought my innocence was gone/ Now I know that happiness goes on/Thats where you found me/ When you put your arms around me/ havent been there for the longest time/Im that voice youre hearing in the hall/And the greatest miracle of all/ Is how I need you/ And how you needed me too/ That hasnt happened for the longest time- Billy Joel

This has got to be the worst summer of my life. 'Cept for that one summer when I sat at my aunt's house everyday all day but that was back in like 1999 and it didn't matter. From the drama to the choosing to the waiting, I hate this summer. I don't know if anyone else goes through the nonsense I do. I have spent almost 75% of this summer angry in my house. The rest of it has been great but it is still spent with the weight of the world on my shoulders. I'm sitting home right now, yet again & I hate it. I did not have four kids and I do not feel obligated to act as a mother/ father figure. I have a car right outside my door that I can't drive and Lord knows where I want to be right now. Goodness, nothing is fair anymore. "One more year, Mariah, one more" says my mother. I cannot wait til then.

Let's not underestimate the thoughts of a man. Not just any man but huMAN. The most irregular kind. It's probably the hardest to come out of every situation a human. We came into this world with the universal stereotype of being human and often come out with animal characteristics. Who came up with a DOG EAT DOG world ? There are no canine beings in everyday society, but people are only looking out for their interests. Looking out for their own interests and then are surprised that when its all done, their thoughts are underestimated. What's going through every man's head is to get ahead, one away or another without any regard to others. So with that understading, everyone can be figured out because they are human.

Leila Danielle.

I missed Disneyland with her yesterday, but today's her real birthday ! For only turning six she's getting the royal type treatment. Disneyland yesterday and now they're at Chuck E. Cheese. I kinda refused to take part in the second one. Anyway LEILA'S SIX !

I wonder who actually wants this or feels this.

A Miracle.

"Let me say something about that word: miracle. For too long it's been used to characterize things or events that, though pleasant, are entirely normal. Peeping chicks at Easter time, spring generally, a clear sunrise after an overcast week--a miracle, people say, as if they've been educated from greeting cards. I'm sorry, but nope. Such things are worth our notice every day of the week, but to call them miracles evaporates the strength of the word. Real miracles bother people, like strange sudden pains unknown in medical literature. It's true: They rebut every rule all we good citizens take comfort in. Lazurus obeying orders and climbing up out of the grave--now there's a miracle, and you can bet it upset a lot of who were standing around at the time. When a person dies, the earth is generally unwilling to cough him back up. A miracle contradicts the will of earth."

I'd like one now, 'cause someone has got to be kiddin' me.

Take A Step Back.

Choosing to take a step back 'cause others have been taken aback by my previous & recent actions ha. You know, 'cause what others care about really matters huh ? I guess so in this situation. I will not go into detail for it is no one else's business. But my FaceBook account is now deactivated, although I can reactivate it whenever I want. I don't need to talk to anyone on there right now & nor do I need it consuming my time as it has been. & MySpace, yea that'll be gone too. I really can't express how irritated I am & how I can't believe the interest there now is placed on me. I'm not tootin my horn, I don't want anyone questioning my business like that. I'm hardly interested, I'd like to know why someone else would be.

I'd like to know when my life got so complex, almost like the weight of EVERYTHING, mhm everything, is on my shoulders.

I just keep watching it over & over. Hearing the anguish in his voice is almost too much, but I love it.

Babygirl.

Leila graduated, and I didn't post anything about it "/

I really think she was the cutest one there. First grade here we come (:

4thofJuly

google knows.

My Science.

I've broke it down to my science. I now know who I don't like and why. That's never happened before. I've always known who I didn't like, and just left it at that....For example, I now don't know how much I like Drake anymore because of his ridiculous video. Had a bunch of women playing basketball in bras and panties. Stretching is the only thing that counts when it comes down to 2 minutes left in a game. -_-... Anyway back to real life. There's a list of people I wouldn't mind not ever seeing/ hearing about again. In every sense of that, I mean it. I don't plan on doing anything about their existence, trust me. Then there's the people who I really can't understand so I just choose not to like them. Let me rephrase that...I don't understand them, so I don't like them when I'm confused. At this point that's all the time, so I'm not in like, all the time.



I learned that if I place a little bit of attention, effort and care in the people around me it wouldn't be this bad. But I don't care, my attention span is that of a nano-gnat and exterting too much effort will leave me with less attention. I know less and less of what I observe everyday, more or less of what I want to know.