My summer is officially over next week. I have one week left to do what I want, well kinda. I still have volleyball & I'm supposed to be starting a half-time thing at my mom's job. Mm more like 3/4ths time, only thing is I'm not getting paid under the table, I have to wait for a check. Anyway my summer was not supposed to be spent the way it has. It was supposed to be filled with the beach and 13 hour days. It definitely wasn't supposed to end this way. That's a whole different story, I'll get to that later.
These days have gone by so fast. I'm now running around doing things for my mom or working out or the most likely, at volleyball practice. Since I've had a car more stress has been put on me. Well not ALL the stress I've had has been caused by the car. I've been exhausted, like running on empty. Random: earlier I was watching something, wow can't even remember what it was, and I was holding back tears & still up to now, I don't know why. I need to see a doctor ? Or maybe I'll stay this way and wait it out. I find myself yelling at inanimate objects and wishing they'd talk back to tell what's the problem. Well I mean, I yell at people too. I really need a vacation from people. From school, people, my family, my friends. I'm taking every chance I get to get away. Going to Alabama in October to visit a university I will not be attending. Mhm, waste of a visit but it's almost free. We like free here.
I'm almost oblivious to the time that is just passing me by. A year ago is when I started actually using this blog and that was when my life was so much simpler. I wish I could just convert to hedonistic rituals and not care about anyone else. But I can't so I'm stuck. Happiness has not lived in me in a long time. Happy: characterized by or indicative of pleasure, contentment, or joy. I don't even think I've seemed happy. I'm normally good at seeming, but that's also something I need help with. Anger management might be in my future. I can't control my frustration in a healthy way. Ha, I'm not crazy but when something that you're used to leaves/ is taken/ refuses, things get pretty hectic.
My heart has been moving at 150mph. That's entirely too fast for my liking, but it's currently trying to catch up. I'm sure it's known that I was in a relationship, yes our perfect relationship has recently ended. Everyone has a time frame on us, "you'll be back together in ___ days/months..." but I really don't know what's going to happen. I've finally been able to speak on it and it hurts. There's one thing most don't know about a relationship: there are never bad times, only time we make longer. I'm only really speaking on the relationship between a man and a woman. It's just filled with constant contradiction. Yea, that's it... the only thing constant is contradiction. Contradicting your beliefs you contain before you embark on the relationship, contradicting your beliefs for the sake of your partner and contradicting your feelings. Just as communication is the most important element in a relationship, arguments can be the most destructive element. Love... a different thing all together. I'm happy to say I've experienced it. Not some "cute high school they fell in love" love. Well I did fall in love ha, but I learned to love and accept someone not in my family. I can also say I won't stop loving him and I'm ok with it. When I started falling in love I felt as though I would be happy forever. I could not imagine not loving, love seemed eternal. Nothing is eternal, no matter how many times I said it or as many times he said it. I can say that now... now that I am not with him. Ha and today was our year and a half. The falling in love part was not hard at all, it shouldn't be if you take things seriously. But now this feeling, him not being mine, is what's hard to grasp. Oh man, don't take this is as some simple plea for my boyfriend back. I'm living and that's what I thought I wasn't going to be able to do without him ha. I wish I weren't the girl in this, there'd be a lot less heartache. NOTICE: the reasons for the break up was not stated, it won't be.
Finally, I need to get back to what really matters. All the drama that I have brought upon myself was really not necessary, but I fought. I fought for what I know I want and to the very extent I need. There is no in between to what I feel. Everything sucks. Might as well find something to smile about...
"You don't need conseling, you all need to hold hands and jump."
