“ Are you angry? Punch a pillow. Was it satisfying? Not hardly. These days people are too angry for punching. What you might try is stabbing. Take an old pillow and lay it on the front lawn. Stab it with a big pointy knife. Again and again and again. Stab hard enough for the point of the knife to go into the ground. Stab until the pillow is gone and you are just stabbing the earth again and again, as if you want to kill it for continuing to spin, as if you are getting revenge for having to live on this planet day after day, alone.

— Miranda July

Downloaded a cover of If This World Were Mine sung by John Legend & India.Arie. They did a good enough job for me to actually like it. The only problem is that neither one of their voices are smooth enough, although that is what they are praised for, for the song. Not to say they did my favorite song in the world justice, but they did it well.

Yea.

“I smile, because when I cry it doesn’t help. When I cry, all it does is make people ask if I’m okay. I would love nothing more than to punch these people. I’m sitting here crying, but yes, I’m perfectly happy. I mean, come on, give me a break. Obviously I’m not okay.”

I used to be so in love with him. (This isn't a subliminal post, I hope he reads this & then I won't have to say words). I used to have whole posts dedicated to him, a lot like this one but stating I was all intrigued and happy. I used to think he felt the same way. Shit maybe he did, whatever. It's funny to think I thought he knew me. He didn't. Because he decides to tell me I'm a liar. Post things saying I'm a liar. Tell the world I'm a liar. I don't lie. Not to him. One time I did, not going there. I lied another time when I told myself over & over I hate him. I don't, there's too much energy that goes into hating someone. I love him, don't know if I could say I'm all in love with him because of how much I dislike him now. I don't care how he feels about me now, I don't care about too much of anything anymore. I wish he cared. But now I'd just wish he'd keep my name & harsh words out his mouth. I know I've kept everything disrespectful to myself.

“Why do anything— why wash my hair, why read Moby Dick, why fall in love, why sit through six hours of Nicholas Nickleby, why care about American intervention in Central America, why spend time trying to get into the right schools, why dance to the music when all of us are just slouching toward the same inevitable conclusion? The shortness of life, I keep saying, makes everything seem pointless when I think about the longness of death.” — Elizabeth Wurtzel, Prozac Nation

I'd like to refer to the last stanza of this,

as pertaining to how I feel.

Maybe I'll get to the point of feeling the rest

of this later. But it'll just be soon enough.

"Life isn’t divided into genres. It’s a horrifying, romantic, tragic, comical, science-fiction cowboy detective novel. You know, with a bit of pornography if you’re lucky."

— Alan Moore

Don't think I have words.

Bought two books tonight that I cannot wait to read. Juneteenth by Ralph Ellison. Ellison is the author of the book Invisible Man which is my favorite book ever. So I'm really excited to read this one. He also has another novel called Three Days Before the Shooting that is a compilation of manuscripts of a never finished novel. The book is larger than the Bible so I'll have to get that one when I have a lot of time. Probably for my plane rides to & from New Orleans (:

I also got Love Letters of Great Women. Exciting to read about how much different women love their significant others. Everyone thinks they have the best/ sweetest love story there ever was, but these women know they have the best ones because they are their own. Anyway, I'm excited.

Tommy's thug ass, *sigh*.

Last day of Black History Month. Went to the Skirball Center for 'Road to Freedom' special all about the Civil Rights Movement. Didn't learn anything, 'cause I know more than they even showed. Waste of a day for an assignment.

I know I've posted this before, but no one ever answered me -_-

My iTunes likes to fuck with me, play songs that are all lovey dovey or like depressing. Everyone has to have a sense of humor these days. It's Friday and I am going to attempt a 'Speak Your Mind Friday.' The only problem is i have nothing profound to say. Nothing I've done has been spectacular. No one I've encountered has made my mood change. I haven't taken a picture in months and it's weird. There's nothing I can look back on of these past months. Not that I want to look back at this time that I've wasted. Won't elaborate on that quite yet, my words are too jaded right now. Anyway, back to what I don't have to say. I'll pretty much say anything at this point. To get back to where I was. The only problem is I won't do anything. Tryna get back in Control, Janet Jackson did it so well. Whatever, that made no sense.

I wrote to Summer the other day, you know, asking for him to come back quicker. He just giggled. All in my face. Said he'd be back in due time. Told him I needed him. Told me he didn't need me back. We'll see how this relationship ends up.

I haven’t been hungry for food in a long time. I have been hungry for other things, and I have fed that hunger mightily, but food was always an afterthought. Humans are said to only seek food, shelter and sex. Humans are said to have only these as their primary urges. I have lived in a state where I went without all, sought none. I do not know what that makes me.

— James Frey, A Million Little Pieces.

Ew.

Uh, yay !

Type A Personality

Free-Floating Hostility or Aggressiveness,

which shows up as impatience, rudeness,

being easily upset over small things, or ‘having a short fuse’,

for example.

Unfortunately, that's me.

They say, when you meet the love of your life, time stops, and that’s true. What they don’t tell you is that when it starts again, it moves extra fast to catch up.

'Til It Happens To You- Corinne Bailey Rae

I NEED TO FIND THIS NAIL POLISH SOMEWHERE.

This face.

I want a poster like this in my room. Well a poster of this size.

LOLLIPOPS TURN INTO CIGARETTES. THE INNOCENT ONES TURN INTO SLUTS. HOMEWORK GOES IN THE TRASH. MOBILE PHONES ARE BEING USED IN CLASS. DETENTION BECOMES SUSPENSION. SODA BECOMES VODKA. BIKES BECOME CARS. KISSES TURN INTO SEX. REMEMBER WHEN GETTING HIGH MEANT SWINGING ON THE PLAYGROUND? WHEN PROTECTION MEANT WEARING A HELMET? WHEN THE WORST THINGS YOU COULD GET FROM BOYS WERE COOTIES? DAD’S SHOULDERS WERE THE HIGHEST PLACE ON EARTH AND MOM WAS YOUR HERO? YOUR WORST ENEMIES WERE YOUR SIBLINGS. RACE ISSUES WERE ABOUT WHO RAN THE FASTEST. WAR WAS ONLY A CARD GAME. AND THE ONLY DRUG YOU KNEW WAS COUGH MEDICINE. WHEN WEARING A SKIRT DIDN’T MAKE YOU A SLUT. THE MOST PAIN YOU FELT WAS WHEN YOU SKINNED YOUR KNEES, AND GOODBYES ONLY MEANT UNTIL TOMORROW? AND WE COULDN’T WAIT TO GROW UP?

I won't be here.

Nothing lasts forever for I won't be here forever. In this grand city of deceit and valleys. The random ass city that everyone adores 'cause it's so turnt up. The ridiculous streets that our future grow up in. I need a new city. A city with lights that are always on. Not the street lights but the lights in the people's heads have great ideas and original stories. The lights here are dim 'cause shit's recycled. Global Warming has only taken a toll on this great valley. Ignorance burning as little niggas jerk passed the library. Illegal sightings because being bad feels pretty good. Huh ?

Whatever, take that and run in whatever direction you think I'm going. 'Cause that's also where I'm running to. I miss the me I used to be when I thought everyone was as hopeful as me. But uh, Hello, my lovelies. I promise I'm back.

"Have you ever been with a girl who made you want to quit the rest of your life? Did you ever say, “I want to quit my life and just fuckin’ snort you? If you charged me $10,000 to fuck you, I would start selling all my shit just to keep fucking you."

~ John Mayer

I don’t feel like this all the time, obviously.

This was written, in that moment of panic. That moment when you really realize that something is so significant to you, that something is real and that terrifying moment when you can’t imagine life any way other than it is right now.

Saw her everyday this 3 day weekend, including Friday. Ha (:

http://ryahsays.blogspot.com/2009/04/speak-your-mind-fridays-created-and-ran.html <-- Go read that and then you'll understand this post.

Is it stupid that I still feel the same ? -_-

What I need is to be needed. What I need is to be indispensable to somebody. Who I need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my attention. Somebody addicted to me. A mutual addiction.

What everyone seems to forget is that I don't need a man, I just want one. I want my man, the one I thought I was getting two years ago. Everything changes with time and now I'm stuck wanting less that what I thought.

What the fuck does it take to show you motherfuckers, what does it fucking take, what do you want, how much do you want, because I am willing and I’ll stand before you and I’ll raise my arms and give you my chest and throat and wait, and I’ve been so old for so long, for you, for you, I want it fast and right through me— Oh do it, do it motherfuckers, do it do it you fuckers finally, finally, finally.

— Dave Eggers, A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius