I NEED TO FIND THIS NAIL POLISH SOMEWHERE.

This face.

I want a poster like this in my room. Well a poster of this size.

LOLLIPOPS TURN INTO CIGARETTES. THE INNOCENT ONES TURN INTO SLUTS. HOMEWORK GOES IN THE TRASH. MOBILE PHONES ARE BEING USED IN CLASS. DETENTION BECOMES SUSPENSION. SODA BECOMES VODKA. BIKES BECOME CARS. KISSES TURN INTO SEX. REMEMBER WHEN GETTING HIGH MEANT SWINGING ON THE PLAYGROUND? WHEN PROTECTION MEANT WEARING A HELMET? WHEN THE WORST THINGS YOU COULD GET FROM BOYS WERE COOTIES? DAD’S SHOULDERS WERE THE HIGHEST PLACE ON EARTH AND MOM WAS YOUR HERO? YOUR WORST ENEMIES WERE YOUR SIBLINGS. RACE ISSUES WERE ABOUT WHO RAN THE FASTEST. WAR WAS ONLY A CARD GAME. AND THE ONLY DRUG YOU KNEW WAS COUGH MEDICINE. WHEN WEARING A SKIRT DIDN’T MAKE YOU A SLUT. THE MOST PAIN YOU FELT WAS WHEN YOU SKINNED YOUR KNEES, AND GOODBYES ONLY MEANT UNTIL TOMORROW? AND WE COULDN’T WAIT TO GROW UP?

I won't be here.

Nothing lasts forever for I won't be here forever. In this grand city of deceit and valleys. The random ass city that everyone adores 'cause it's so turnt up. The ridiculous streets that our future grow up in. I need a new city. A city with lights that are always on. Not the street lights but the lights in the people's heads have great ideas and original stories. The lights here are dim 'cause shit's recycled. Global Warming has only taken a toll on this great valley. Ignorance burning as little niggas jerk passed the library. Illegal sightings because being bad feels pretty good. Huh ?

Whatever, take that and run in whatever direction you think I'm going. 'Cause that's also where I'm running to. I miss the me I used to be when I thought everyone was as hopeful as me. But uh, Hello, my lovelies. I promise I'm back.

"Have you ever been with a girl who made you want to quit the rest of your life? Did you ever say, “I want to quit my life and just fuckin’ snort you? If you charged me $10,000 to fuck you, I would start selling all my shit just to keep fucking you."

~ John Mayer

I don’t feel like this all the time, obviously.

This was written, in that moment of panic. That moment when you really realize that something is so significant to you, that something is real and that terrifying moment when you can’t imagine life any way other than it is right now.

Saw her everyday this 3 day weekend, including Friday. Ha (:

http://ryahsays.blogspot.com/2009/04/speak-your-mind-fridays-created-and-ran.html <-- Go read that and then you'll understand this post.

Is it stupid that I still feel the same ? -_-

What I need is to be needed. What I need is to be indispensable to somebody. Who I need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my attention. Somebody addicted to me. A mutual addiction.

What everyone seems to forget is that I don't need a man, I just want one. I want my man, the one I thought I was getting two years ago. Everything changes with time and now I'm stuck wanting less that what I thought.

What the fuck does it take to show you motherfuckers, what does it fucking take, what do you want, how much do you want, because I am willing and I’ll stand before you and I’ll raise my arms and give you my chest and throat and wait, and I’ve been so old for so long, for you, for you, I want it fast and right through me— Oh do it, do it motherfuckers, do it do it you fuckers finally, finally, finally.

— Dave Eggers, A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius

Beyonce wins.

Super Bowl has yet again ruined my weekend.

I turned 18 yesterday.

It's February. A month of 2010 is over. Only 11 months left, crazy. I make 18 on the 3rd, crazy.

Past weekend.

Reunion with my girls. Well two of the them.

Trey Songz did it last night.

And he did it today.

Ps. We just had a two year anniversary on Wednesday.

2 years today.

Pretty fond of her, too.

Her album dropped today, I need it.

I'm in love with her life, minus him.

Gotta Find Peace Of Mind.

All I wanted was some cute shit, like buy me a ring and promise you'll be here forever. But this isn't a sappy love movie where forever means even after death. So the rings in my life cost $67,000 and turn fingers green. Green in envy with the price tag neither of us were down to sacrifice for. But you know, broke niggas need love too. So he loves me and I love him. Addicted to this love. Torn and confused & here we are now, lucky we survived it all.

Winter Formal 2010

My life obviously used to be much more interesting 'cause I used to write all about it. I probably just had a lot more on my mind, 'cause I actually wrote about it. Almost two years of using this and I'm obviously much different now.

THEN

NOW.

'Least I look the same ? A lot less tan ha.

Doubtful.

Submit ?

Drama thrives in that of the dweller. Dweller stuck in the past & one who only lingers in the present. The dreamer of the future is emancipated yet hopeful in the dwellings of his choices. Given the chance to choose the future, this resident would thrive on his own fortuity. The drama thrives in that of the dweller who doesn't acquit that of his dwellings. To occupy the sense of this common dwelling, we are shown the options. With a haphazard sense of occupancy our options are limited. By chance we are given a future that we have the choice to dwell in. With our choices we are liberated, but in some cases we are dwelling. Dwelling in all that we choose to be given. Our futures are only chosen by change. That change given to us by our own liberation. Such a change determined or marked by whim or caprice rather than reason. The tenure of our intellect is being possessed with thoughts of permutation. Minds being confiscated by the prose left from the dwellings made in the past. Although the dreamer has not yet reached his emancipation, the liberation comes in the dream of no longer dwelling.

Should I submit this for the literary compilation ?

AOL wants to tell my email is invalid. I've had this email since the ninth grade. ITS VALID AOL, I SWEAR TO YOU, IT IS!

THE VENDING MACHINE gave me a Rice Krispy Treat when I wanted a bag of pretzels. 44 constitutes a Rice Krispy, I PRESSED 42 !

I miss liking people, I now hate the sight of everyone.

Never knew anything more true.